In her book In Love and in Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships, Barrie Levy writes:
If you are emotionally or verbally abusive, you may believe that you are also a victim. You may believe that others cause your problems, and cause your violence. The result is that you don’t recognize that you have a problem that only you can change. Answer the questions below. If you answer yes to two or more of these, then you are an abuser.
Are you extremely jealous and possessive?
Do you have an explosive temper?
Do you constantly ridicule, criticize or insult your girlfriend or boyfriend?
Do you become violent when you drink and/or use drugs?
Have you broken their things or thrown things at them?
Have you hit, pushed, kicked or otherwise injured them when you were angry?
Have you threatened to hurt or kill them or someone close to them?
Have you forced them to have sex, or intimidated them so they are afraid to say no?
Have you threatened to kill yourself if they leave?
Do you make them account to you for every moment they are away from you?
Do you spy on them or call them constantly to check up on them?
Do you accuse them of seeing other guys or girls?
Excerpted from In Love and in Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships (c) 1998 by Barrie Levy. All rights reserved.… Read the rest
In her book In Love and in Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships, Barrie Levy writes:
Many victims don’t recognize that they are being abused. They don’t realize how they have gradually changed because of the abuse. Are you a victim of dating violence? Answer the questions below. If you answer yes to two or more of them, you are in an abusive relationship, or your relationship is likely to become abusive.
Are you frightened of your boyfriend or girlfriend’s temper?
Are you afraid to disagree with him or her?
Do you find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your boyfriend or girlfriend’s behavior when you are treated badly?
Have you been frightened by his or her violence towards others?
Have you been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you?
Do you not see friends or family because of his or her jealousy?
Have you been forced to have sex?
Have you been afraid to say no to sex?
Are you forced to justify everything you do, every place you go and every person you see to avoid his or her temper?
Have you been wrongly and repeatedly accused of flirting or having sex with others?
Are you unable to go out, get a job or go to school without his or her permission?
Have you become secretive, ashamed or hostile to your parents because of this relationship?
Excerpted from In Love and in Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships (c) 1998 by Barrie Levy. All rights reserved.… Read the rest
In her book Everything You Need To Know About Date Rape, Frances Shuker-Haines writes:
Why are we so confused? Because a lot of us have grown up believing certain things about women and dating that are not true. These ideas make it hard to understand date rape. See how many of these FALSE statements you believe:
When a woman says “no,” she really means “yes.” A lot of guys think a girl just says no because she’s supposed to. They think every girl really wants sex and it’s a guy’s job to help her get it. But a guy doesn’t have the right to make up a girl’s mind for her. And he doesn’t have the right to have sex with her against her will.
If a woman is flirting with a man, that means she wants to “go all the way.” Everybody likes to flirt. Half the fun of a date is flirting. And the reason you date is to see if you two like each other. If you do, you might decide to have sex sometime in the future. But a guy can’t make that decision by himself. Both people have to agree to have sex Otherwise, it’s rape.
If a woman goes somewhere alone with a man, that means she just wants to have sex with him. Sometimes it’s nice for a girl to be alone with her date. It’s easier to talk, and find out what the guy’s really like. They might want to see how they get along together without their friends around. But that doesn’t mean the girl wants to have sex with her date. It only means that she wants to be alone with him.
If a man spends a lot of money on a date, the woman “owes” him something in return. People date because they like each other. They want to spend time together. Dating isn’t like a business deal. And sex is not something you pay for. A man and a woman may have sex after a date. But it should be something they both want to enjoy with each other.
You’ve probably heard some of these WRONG ideas. Now you can begin to understand how date rape happens. Date rape happens when one person decides what’s best for both people.
Date rape causes many serious problems. One of these problems is how the victim of date rape feels about what has happened to her. Often, girls aren’t even sure they have been raped. They think maybe they “asked” for it, even though they said “no.” They think only strangers can rape them. They know they didn’t have a choice about having sex. They feel that they were treated like a thing instead of a human being. And they can’t believe someone they liked and trusted could do this to them. They start to feel that they can’t trust anyone. What’s worse, when they finally do tell someone what’s happened, that person may not believe them.
Excerpted from Everything You Need To Know About Date Rape (c) 1990,1992 by The Rosen Publishing Group, Inc. All rights reserved.… Read the rest
You are here: Home >> Articles >> Qualities of a healthy relationshipSeptember, 2004Qualities of a healthy relationshipIt’s basically calm, rather than frantic.It’s a friendship as well as a physical attraction.It accepts the need for privacy on both sides.It allows for differences of opinion.It doesn’t force anybody to make a commitment or declare their undying love and devotion before they’re ready to.It allows the time two people need to get to know each other and find out how compatible they are.It involves two people who already feel good about themselves and who carry those good feelings over into their relationship.It won’t destroy them if they break up.It allows for the equal sharing of power and control — neither one dominates, neither one constantly submits.It doesn’t make unrealistic demands on either partner.It involves no ideal expectations, no stereotypes; it involves two people of different sexes, not opposite sexes.Excerpted from Coping with Dating Violence (c) 1989 by Nancy N. Rue. All rights reserved.
In his book The Underground Guide to Teenage Sexuality, Michael J. Basso wrote the following helpful responses to pressure lines:
“If you love me, you’ll have sex with me/prove it.” Response: “If you love me, you’ll stop trying to make me do something I don’t want to do.” “It you love me, you’ll prove it by respecting my feelings.”
“If you won’t have sex with me, I don’t want to go out with you anymore.” Response: “If you are only with me because you want sex, I guess our relationship really means nothing to you.” “If you’re going to make threats, maybe we should see other people.”
“If you won’t have sex with me, I’ll find someone who will.” Response: “I guess our relationship means nothing to you if you are already looking for someone else.” “I’m not a sex toy for you to use. If that’s all I am to you, then you should find someone else.”
“Don’t be afraid, the first time is always scary.” Response: “I’m not afraid. I’m standing up for what I believe is right.”
“Everybody has sex.” Response: “I don’t care about everybody. I care about this body. I’m responsible for me.”
“It’s a natural part of life.” Response: “So is pregnancy, disease, and death, and I’m not ready for those things either.” “It may be natural, but it’s not time.”
“You want it as much as I do.” Response: “I want to stand up for what I believe in even more.” “No I don’t. Aren’t you listening to me?”
“We had sex before. What’s the problem now?” Response: “The problem is that I did something I didn’t want to do and now I regret it.” “I’m learning from my mistakes.” “I changed my mind. I have too much I want to do without risking it all again.”
“Just relax and let your feelings go.” Response: “My feelings won’t last nearly as long as pregnancy/STDs/AIDS.” “My feelings are telling me to go home.” “A moment of passion can change my future forever.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got a condom.” Response: “And I’ve got my feelings. Don’t they matter to you?” “Condoms aren’t 100% effective; abstinence is.”
“Don’t worry. Nothing will happen.” Response: “What will happen is I’ll be giving up my principles for your pleasure. I’m my own person.” “You can’t guarantee that nothing will happen. But I can, by not having sex.
“Don’t you want to do it at least once to see what it’s like?” Response: “The day will come when I’m ready.” “I see what pregnancy/parenthood/STDs/AIDS is like; and I don’t like it!”
“You got me all excited now.” Response: “I don’t owe you anything. If you’re easily this excited, maybe we should just cool it for a while.”
“Don’t worry. No one will know.” Response: “I’ll know.”
“I want to marry you; you know we’re going to get married.” Response: “If and when that day comes, we can discuss it then.” “What does marriage later have to do with sex now?”
“I’ll always love you. Let me share this with you.” Response: “If you love me, honor me; respect my feelings.”
“Making love will only make our love stronger.” Response: “Sex doesn’t make love.” “Sex doesn’t make a relationship stronger, it complicates it.”
Basso continued:
Obviously, all these responses are logical and well thought out. You may not even speak like this. The important thing to remember is to verbally and non-verbally communicate how you feel in your own way.
When you are romantically involved or love someone, it is easy to give up what you feel is right or
What do free rape stories, rape pictures, rape videos, and rape movies have in common with actual rapes? After all, if you’ve never raped anyone, you’re not a rapist! A rape fantasy is just harmless, right?
Do rape stories and rape pics shape learned behaviors?
pre·dis·pose
1. a. To make (someone) inclined to something in advance. b. To make susceptible or liable.
You might be startled to discover that it’s very easy to become inclined to rape, in advance of an actual rape. After all, 70% of all sexual assaults are planned. But of course, there’s a big difference, right? You’re not scheming to rape anyone for real. What harm can that do? You’re not hurting anyone else! Yet, by playing the scene out in your mind, are you hurting yourself? I suppose if you only imagine it happening, once or twice, that’s not a bad thing, is it? It’s not like you’re conditioning yourself to think and respond that way. Or, are you learning to rape? One of the ways our minds learn is by rote (repetition). How many times do we need to repeat something, before we’ve learned and memorized it? What’s that magic number for you? Here’s a scary thought — what if you’re a quick learner?!
Rape can easily become a preconditioned response. One day in the real world, you find yourself in a situation that is similar to what you’ve imagined, and the pieces of the rape fantasy fall into place, and your mind simply reacts and responds in a way it’s accustomed to seeing the scene played out. It becomes very easy to actually act out what you’ve already envisioned and role-played hundreds of times.
Rape videos and pornography
por·nog·ra·phy
1. Pictures, writing, or other material that is sexually explicit and sometimes equates sex with power and violence.
Pornography is all about sexual gratification at someone else’s expense. Rape, however, is never about sexual desire, but is a violent act of power and control over the victim. Violence does not always have to be physical. There are many ways to coerce or intimidate or threaten a victim that do not involve physical force. No matter how control is gained, nonconsensual sex is rape, whether it’s within an intimate partnership or not.
Rape videos and pornography are similar in how they both demean and degrade a person, stripping them of the respect and consideration that person deserves, and reducing them to an object. Every time rape movies are viewed, those individuals are being victimized and exploited all over again.
When you consider how many girls, boys, women, and men, are sexually abused and sexually assaulted, rape videos and rape movies certainly don’t help put a stop to what those victims went through, and have to live with, for the rest of their lives. Perhaps you even know what it’s like to be a sexual abuse victim.
Sexism in rape stories and rape movies
Some people believe they need to be in control. Some also believe that others are put on this earth to provide for their needs, whether it be cooking, cleaning, or sex. There are even a fair number of people who believe that sex solely revolves around their own (or their partner’s) needs. But what if each person was seen as an individual, possessing their own unique sexual needs and desires and feelings? I realize that may be a very extreme view to some, but I’m inclined to believe that it’s a lot harder to rape a someone if you respect who they are as a person. Yet, rape … Read the rest