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You are here: Home >> Articles >> Resisting Pressure to Have Sex

September, 2004

In his book The Underground Guide to Teenage Sexuality, Michael J. Basso wrote the following helpful responses to pressure lines:

"If you love me, you'll have sex with me/prove it."
Response:
"If you love me, you'll stop trying to make me do something I don't want to do."
"It you love me, you'll prove it by respecting my feelings."

"If you won't have sex with me, I don't want to go out with you anymore."
Response:
"If you are only with me because you want sex, I guess our relationship really means nothing to you."
"If you're going to make threats, maybe we should see other people."

"If you won't have sex with me, I'll find someone who will."
Response:
"I guess our relationship means nothing to you if you are already looking for someone else."
"I'm not a sex toy for you to use. If that's all I am to you, then you should find someone else."

"Don't be afraid, the first time is always scary."
Response:
"I'm not afraid. I'm standing up for what I believe is right."

"Everybody has sex."
Response:
"I don't care about everybody. I care about this body. I'm responsible for me."

"It's a natural part of life."
Response:
"So is pregnancy, disease, and death, and I'm not ready for those things either."
"It may be natural, but it's not time."

"You want it as much as I do."
Response:
"I want to stand up for what I believe in even more."
"No I don't. Aren't you listening to me?"

"We had sex before. What's the problem now?"
Response:
"The problem is that I did something I didn't want to do and now I regret it."
"I'm learning from my mistakes."
"I changed my mind. I have too much I want to do without risking it all again."

"Just relax and let your feelings go."
Response:
"My feelings won't last nearly as long as pregnancy/STDs/AIDS."
"My feelings are telling me to go home."
"A moment of passion can change my future forever."

"Don't worry. I've got a condom."
Response:
"And I've got my feelings. Don't they matter to you?"
"Condoms aren't 100% effective; abstinence is."

"Don't worry. Nothing will happen."
Response:
"What will happen is I'll be giving up my principles for your pleasure. I'm my own person."
"You can't guarantee that nothing will happen. But I can, by not having sex."

"Don't you want to do it at least once to see what it's like?"
Response:
"The day will come when I'm ready."
"I see what pregnancy/parenthood/STDs/AIDS is like; and I don't like it!"

"You got me all excited now."
Response:
"I don't owe you anything. If you're easily this excited, maybe we should just cool it for a while."

"Don't worry. No one will know."
Response:
"I'll know."

"I want to marry you; you know we're going to get married."
Response:
"If and when that day comes, we can discuss it then."
"What does marriage later have to do with sex now?"

"I'll always love you. Let me share this with you."
Response:
"If you love me, honor me; respect my feelings."

"Making love will only make our love stronger."
Response:
"Sex doesn't make love."
"Sex doesn't make a relationship stronger, it complicates it."

Basso continued:

Obviously, all these responses are logical and well thought out.  You may not even speak like this.  The important thing to remember is to verbally and non-verbally communicate how you feel in your own way.

When you are romantically involved or love someone, it is easy to give up what you feel is right or what you believe in to make the other person happy.  Sacrifice and compromise in a relationship can be beautiful, especially in a committed relationship like marriage.  But sacrificing your principles, beliefs, and future for sex is a mistake.  Even when sexual sacrifices are made in marriages, it is a sign of a relationship in trouble.

You can sacrifice "things" like belongings, but you should never sacrifice your principles or beliefs, even in marriage.

For the sake of simplicity, if you are being pressured into having sex, regardless of the pressure line being used, simply stand up, back away from the person, and with a serious or angry look on your face, say "I'm just not getting through to you -- I don't want to have sex."  Or say "You seem to care more about sex than my feelings," and walk out.  At the least, it will give you a chance to go home, to the bathroom, or just out of the situation so you can think more clearly and you won't be as likely to be forced into making a mistake.

Excerpted from The Underground Guide to Teenage Sexuality (c) 1997 by Michael J. Basso.  All rights reserved.

See also:
Myths about women and dating
Straight Talk For Girls
Are you a victim of dating violence?
Are you an abuser?
Some of the ways teens have been abused
Four Building Blocks In Understanding Teen Dating Violence
The Mathematics of Battering
Qualities of a healthy relationship
 

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