Day: December 22, 2019

In his book The Underground Guide to Teenage Sexuality, Michael J. Basso wrote the following helpful responses to pressure lines:

	“If you love me, you’ll have sex with me/prove it.” Response: “If you love me, you’ll stop trying to make me do something I don’t want to do.” “It you love me, you’ll prove it by respecting my feelings.”
	“If you won’t have sex with me, I don’t want to go out with you anymore.” Response: “If you are only with me because you want sex, I guess our relationship really means nothing to you.” “If you’re going to make threats, maybe we should see other people.”
	“If you won’t have sex with me, I’ll find someone who will.” Response: “I guess our relationship means nothing to you if you are already looking for someone else.” “I’m not a sex toy for you to use. If that’s all I am to you, then you should find someone else.”
	“Don’t be afraid, the first time is always scary.” Response: “I’m not afraid. I’m standing up for what I believe is right.”
	“Everybody has sex.” Response: “I don’t care about everybody. I care about this body. I’m responsible for me.”
	“It’s a natural part of life.” Response: “So is pregnancy, disease, and death, and I’m not ready for those things either.” “It may be natural, but it’s not time.”
	“You want it as much as I do.” Response: “I want to stand up for what I believe in even more.” “No I don’t. Aren’t you listening to me?”
	“We had sex before. What’s the problem now?” Response: “The problem is that I did something I didn’t want to do and now I regret it.” “I’m learning from my mistakes.” “I changed my mind. I have too much I want to do without risking it all again.”
	“Just relax and let your feelings go.” Response: “My feelings won’t last nearly as long as pregnancy/STDs/AIDS.” “My feelings are telling me to go home.” “A moment of passion can change my future forever.”
	“Don’t worry. I’ve got a condom.” Response: “And I’ve got my feelings. Don’t they matter to you?” “Condoms aren’t 100% effective; abstinence is.”
	“Don’t worry. Nothing will happen.” Response: “What will happen is I’ll be giving up my principles for your pleasure. I’m my own person.” “You can’t guarantee that nothing will happen. But I can, by not having sex.
	“Don’t you want to do it at least once to see what it’s like?” Response: “The day will come when I’m ready.” “I see what pregnancy/parenthood/STDs/AIDS is like; and I don’t like it!”
	“You got me all excited now.” Response: “I don’t owe you anything. If you’re easily this excited, maybe we should just cool it for a while.”
	“Don’t worry. No one will know.” Response: “I’ll know.”
	“I want to marry you; you know we’re going to get married.” Response: “If and when that day comes, we can discuss it then.” “What does marriage later have to do with sex now?”
	“I’ll always love you. Let me share this with you.” Response: “If you love me, honor me; respect my feelings.”
	“Making love will only make our love stronger.” Response: “Sex doesn’t make love.” “Sex doesn’t make a relationship stronger, it complicates it.”

Basso continued:

Obviously, all these responses are logical and well thought out.  You may not even speak like this.  The important thing to remember is to verbally and non-verbally communicate how you feel in your own way.

When you are romantically involved or love someone, it is easy to give up what you feel is right or

… Read the rest

Continue Reading →

What do free rape stories, rape pictures, rape videos, and rape movies have in common with actual rapes?  After all, if you’ve never raped anyone, you’re not a rapist!  A rape fantasy is just harmless, right?

Do rape stories and rape pics shape learned behaviors?

pre·dis·pose 1. a. To make (someone) inclined to something in advance.  b. To make susceptible or liable.

You might be startled to discover that it’s very easy to become inclined to rape, in advance of an actual rape.  After all, 70% of all sexual assaults are planned.  But of course, there’s a big difference, right?  You’re not scheming to rape anyone for real.  What harm can that do?  You’re not hurting anyone else!  Yet, by playing the scene out in your mind, are you hurting yourself?  I suppose if you only imagine it happening, once or twice, that’s not a bad thing, is it?  It’s not like you’re conditioning yourself to think and respond that way.  Or, are you learning to rape?  One of the ways our minds learn is by rote (repetition).  How many times do we need to repeat something, before we’ve learned and memorized it?  What’s that magic number for you?  Here’s a scary thought — what if you’re a quick learner?!

Rape can easily become a preconditioned response.  One day in the real world, you find yourself in a situation that is similar to what you’ve imagined, and the pieces of the rape fantasy fall into place, and your mind simply reacts and responds in a way it’s accustomed to seeing the scene played out.  It becomes very easy to actually act out what you’ve already envisioned and role-played hundreds of times.

Rape videos and pornography

por·nog·ra·phy 1. Pictures, writing, or other material that is sexually explicit and sometimes equates sex with power and violence.

Pornography is all about sexual gratification at someone else’s expense.  Rape, however, is never about sexual desire, but is a violent act of power and control over the victim.  Violence does not always have to be physical.  There are many ways to coerce or intimidate or threaten a victim that do not involve physical force.  No matter how control is gained, nonconsensual sex is rape, whether it’s within an intimate partnership or not.

Rape videos and pornography are similar in how they both demean and degrade a person, stripping them of the respect and consideration that person deserves, and reducing them to an object.  Every time rape movies are viewed, those individuals are being victimized and exploited all over again.

When you consider how many girls, boys, women, and men, are sexually abused and sexually assaulted, rape videos and rape movies certainly don’t help put a stop to what those victims went through, and have to live with, for the rest of their lives.  Perhaps you even know what it’s like to be a sexual abuse victim.

Sexism in rape stories and rape movies

Some people believe they need to be in control.  Some also believe that others are put on this earth to provide for their needs, whether it be cooking, cleaning, or sex.  There are even a fair number of people who believe that sex solely revolves around their own (or their partner’s) needs.  But what if each person was seen as an individual, possessing their own unique sexual needs and desires and feelings?  I realize that may be a very extreme view to some, but I’m inclined to believe that it’s a lot harder to rape a someone if you respect who they are as a person.  Yet, rape … Read the rest

Continue Reading →

Here are some suggestions how you can help out and make a difference in stopping rape.

1. Be informed: Be aware that one out of three women are raped in their lifetime.  Check out the statistics; read a few books such as “I Never Called It Rape.”
   
2. Speak out: Bring the problem out into the open.  Talk with your friends and peers.  Confront inappropriate behavior.  Many victims don’t tell anyone they’ve been raped, perhaps because of  “overreactions” or being “blamed”.  Help them break the silence about what was done to them, by providing the warmth, trust, belief, support, and understanding they need, so they’ll feel comfortable disclosing the abuse to you.
   
3. Educate: Make sure youth understand about rape.  Talk with them about abuse.  Make sure they understand about safety, respect, and qualities of a healthy relationship.  Discuss the myths about rape.  Encourage them to talk about limits beforehand.
   
4. Volunteer: Your local rape crisis center is dependent on concerned individuals like you.  There are many ways to help out, besides counseling.
   
5. Join: Many organizations, such as the AAUW, work to promote equity.  Issues like gender discrimination significantly contribute to problems of rape.  A good book on this topic is “Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self-Esteem, and the Confidence Gap.”
   
   
6. Provide opportunities: Many crisis centers and colleges have outreach and peer groups that go out and educate about rape, abuse, and dating violence.  Help these groups get the message out, by arranging opportunities for them.
   
   
7. Contribute material: Make a difference at this site, by providing names and phone numbers of rape crisis centers in your area; sending us handouts you would like to make available to others;  suggesting links to other useful web sites; recommending books others might find helpful. 
   
   
8. Link: Add a link to this site from your web site.  Help to increase awareness of the problem, and to make the resources and information offered here as widely available as possible.

By joining in to make a difference, you’re helping yourself to be better prepared to help a daughter or son, spouse or partner, sister or brother, close friend, or acquaintance who may be a victim of these cruel acts of violence.

Thank you for caring and choosing to make a difference!… Read the rest

Continue Reading →

We have developed a training for parents and other concerned adults to both inform and help minimize the risks that youth face on the Internet.

Topics covered include potential dangers, risk factors, warning signs, and options for increasing safety.  Included is a handout with a list of resources/links for further information and assistance.

Since you probably can’t attend to hear us give this training in person, we’ve incorporated most of our presentation within the speakers notes of the PowerPointŪ presentation.  To view the notes, you must open the presentation using PowerPoint.  Other organizations are welcome to use or modify this training to meet their own requirements.  We would appreciate if you would credit Rape101.com.

To view the slideshow or handout, click on the appropriate link.  To save the files to your hard disk, right-click on each link.
… Read the rest

Continue Reading →

Meeting someone you’ve met on the net has significant risks.  Even when you think they love you, you may find you have regrets, because what it’s really been about for them is sex, not love. Others have been more abruptly raped just by meeting someone in a public place.  Some have been drugged and end up in a porn film.  Boys have been lured by the pretense of meeting a girl, only to find themselves raped by a group of men.

If you don’t think it can happen to you, you need to listen to the stories of other teens who felt and thought like you.  Katie Tarbox writes about her experience in Katie.com.

For tips on keeping yourself safe in chat rooms, please read IRC and Internet Safety.… Read the rest

Continue Reading →

Here are some things you can do to help a friend:

	Believe her.
	Be a good listener.
	Be supportive.  Other people may doubt or blame her.  She really needs a friend.
	Let the decision about who she talks about it with, be up to her.
	If you’re not sure how to best help your friend, get some advice from a rape counselor.
	Read a book on surviving rape.
	You’re probably going to be the first to be told about the rape.  Be there for her.  Listen.  Support her decisions.  Just be there for her.

… Read the rest

Continue Reading →